I have a friend. Let me take that back. I have a friend who is a super mom. Works full time, has a herd of kids, has a happy marriage, travels, social butterfly, and always out and about. To me she looks like she has it all. She told me when she had her first kid that she refused to give up putting herself first and that her social life would continue on. I always held onto that conversation and told myself I’d do the same thing. Piece of cake.
Boy, did I think I was stronger. I thought I had my stuff together. But as I sit here in my milk stained yoga pants and a pony tail with at least 2 days of dry shampoo in it – I think how do they do it? So many balls in the air to juggle and I’m just me managing a fraction of what my friends manage. Perhaps its my level of anxiety or my need for perfection that keeps me from having a balance.
Maybe it’s just that change in being a mom.
Maybe I lost myself along the way.
Maybe I did.
The last month I’ve been a bit of a wreck. I’ll be honest. I’ve not been the most pleasant person. I’ve done what I’ve had to do to get by. Sure, we’ve all been there. This past month, I have had some real difficult conversations with my husband. Difficult.
I feel blah.
I look blah.
I need a tan.
I need a break.
I don’t feel appreciated
I don’t feel wanted.
I’m in a rut.
I need vacation.
But here is something I do know. I have a husband who loves me. He may not show it all the time as our love languages are WAY different. I know that I have a wonderful group of girlfriends who in a minute would drop what they are doing to help me. I need to lean on that. And of course my Miss H – who I would go to the moon and back for. She is my everything and my life and damn it, I’d do it all over again.
So in the last few weeks and months, I’ve learned that at the end of the day – I still need to make time for me.
We forget so quickly that it was once all about you. Hop in the car. Have drinks of the fly. Grab a quick pedicure after work. Run to Target whenever you wanted. Anything at all.
So today, I’m setting goals for myself.
Laundry can wait.
Dirty Dishes can wait.
Dirty Diapers – they can wait (to a degree)
I’m setting aside 1 hour of Jen time a day. I received the Fringe Hours in the mail today. I’m going to read it. I’m going to OWN my hour a day. It’s not too much to ask. 1 HOUR.
I’m on a journey to reclaim some of that Jen I know and love. It’s a journey on the way to a permanent destination.